Bawling like a baby...

As any normal day I got off work, picked up the kids at my wonderful friends house, took them over to their dad's. Marcy was a bit sad and didn't want me to leave but I thought it would all be okay after I was out of sight. Marcy was in the driveway, I waved good-bye and looked back to see my baby hysterical, screaming for me and chasing my car. IT BROKE MY HEART. My heart didn't break with my divorce/separation it was broken long before. So the most painful thing of all of this is my kids pain. I don't want them to hurt. I don't want them feel abandoned. And as I looked in my review mirror at Marcy screaming, I wasn't sure what to do and it took me back to my childhood.

My mom was a single mother of 6 kids, the oldest was only 9 when my baby sister was born. CRAZINESS, I recognize that. She also suffered from Lupus. Looking back I understand why she did some of the things she did. I love my mom very much, she was an amazing beautiful woman. I just want that said before I tell you this story. I was maybe 7 or 8 and my mom had had it with us kids. She said she was leaving and didn't know if she'd be back, at least that's how I remember it. She got in her car, I followed her, pounded on the windows and chased her screaming hysterically for her not to leave. It was a very traumatizing moment in my childhood, one I will never forget. The story did end well, my mommy came back. But I still carry wounds from that day.

So as I drove away from Marcy I didn't know what to do, turn around and love my child or drive away with that image in my mind forever. I am still not sure if it was a mistake or not but I drove away and began bawling like a baby. Not only at the heartbreak of my sweet tender hearted Marcy but at the recognition that I knew that pain and I felt like I failed. I never wanted my children to know the pain and disappointment I felt as a child but I can't help but think my decision is the cause of their pain? I couldn't stop crying, I am driving down the freeway to my cold lonely apartment bawling and wiping snot on my sleeve, thinking, "What have I done?" I don't regret my decision to get a divorce. I KNOW it was/is 100% the right choice for me and I knew there would be consequences for me and my kids. I only hope I am strong and healthy enough to help them get through it. My babies are my life and I will do anything I can to let them know I love them, that they are safe and they are enough, always enough as they are.