Jump on or get off, you choose.

Let me tell you the purpose of this blog. I started it to vent, to be honest about my feelings and about life and to gain support. If you are here to help me in my quest I welcome you. If you here to "check up" on me "spy" on me and then "report" LEAVE! You are not welcome. I have enough drama and shit I don't need it, or you! Thank you kindly, have a great day all.

Oh, by the way, I am now legally a single mother. My divorce is final! Happy day!

Bawling like a baby...

As any normal day I got off work, picked up the kids at my wonderful friends house, took them over to their dad's. Marcy was a bit sad and didn't want me to leave but I thought it would all be okay after I was out of sight. Marcy was in the driveway, I waved good-bye and looked back to see my baby hysterical, screaming for me and chasing my car. IT BROKE MY HEART. My heart didn't break with my divorce/separation it was broken long before. So the most painful thing of all of this is my kids pain. I don't want them to hurt. I don't want them feel abandoned. And as I looked in my review mirror at Marcy screaming, I wasn't sure what to do and it took me back to my childhood.

My mom was a single mother of 6 kids, the oldest was only 9 when my baby sister was born. CRAZINESS, I recognize that. She also suffered from Lupus. Looking back I understand why she did some of the things she did. I love my mom very much, she was an amazing beautiful woman. I just want that said before I tell you this story. I was maybe 7 or 8 and my mom had had it with us kids. She said she was leaving and didn't know if she'd be back, at least that's how I remember it. She got in her car, I followed her, pounded on the windows and chased her screaming hysterically for her not to leave. It was a very traumatizing moment in my childhood, one I will never forget. The story did end well, my mommy came back. But I still carry wounds from that day.

So as I drove away from Marcy I didn't know what to do, turn around and love my child or drive away with that image in my mind forever. I am still not sure if it was a mistake or not but I drove away and began bawling like a baby. Not only at the heartbreak of my sweet tender hearted Marcy but at the recognition that I knew that pain and I felt like I failed. I never wanted my children to know the pain and disappointment I felt as a child but I can't help but think my decision is the cause of their pain? I couldn't stop crying, I am driving down the freeway to my cold lonely apartment bawling and wiping snot on my sleeve, thinking, "What have I done?" I don't regret my decision to get a divorce. I KNOW it was/is 100% the right choice for me and I knew there would be consequences for me and my kids. I only hope I am strong and healthy enough to help them get through it. My babies are my life and I will do anything I can to let them know I love them, that they are safe and they are enough, always enough as they are.

Reason to Celebrate

When I originally filed my divorce papers I was told by the Clerk that it would only take a few weeks from the time my soon-to-be-ex and I completed the mandatory Divorce and Parenting classes. A week or so ago I took in the certificates we received at the class to the court house and was told there is a un-waivable (possibly my own made up word) 90-day waiting period before my divorce could be finalized! WHAT?! I was really upset, I am ready to be done and move on with my life at this point, you're telling me I have to married to him for 2 more months? It's been a week and I've mellowed out on my frustration, just trying to make the best of it. Then today, while listening to my favorite local morning radio show, I hear a Family Law-man say there is a 90-day waiting period if you DO NOT have kids and NO waiting period if you DO have kids. Again, WHAT?! So I called the Judge who is over my case and asked his clerk if I have to wait or not. She happily informs me, THERE IS NO WAITING PERIOD!! She told me she would look over my case, give it to the Judge and asked me to call her back in a few days. I hung up the phone and let out a loud celebratory yell! It looks like I will be a free woman much sooner then I expected last week. All I have to say is a heartfelt, thanks you God. You are good!

Introduction

Hi my name is Kari, not Keri, but Kari. Think car, like a car you drive, and slap a big E on the back...Car-E. Got it?!

I am a normal girl, living life to the fullest with my two adorable children, who I will refer to as Pickle and Marcy. I will talk about them a lot. I am a single (almost, legally) working (2 jobs) mommy. My day is not successful unless I have laughed a good amount and my children go to bed knowing I love them for who they are. I am Mormon, however, I am taking a break. It's not God that I am taking a break from, I love him and try on a daily basis to have a relationship with him. I am however, taking a break from the cultural expectations of being a "Utah Mormon". I am done with guilt and shame. I have let it control and run my life for way too long. It's me and God, to Hell with others expectations.