Why did I choose a butterfly as my profile picture? It has deeper meaning than I am a girl and girls like butterflies. When I was a little girl I LOVED butterflies and my mom encouraged that. She bought me several books on butterflies, a butterfly catching kit, butterfly curtains and bedspread. It was way before butterfly jewelry became popular but I couldn't get enough. If it had a butterfly on it I wanted it. On a home video of our trip to South Africa when I was about 7 (?) my mom saw a butterfly and she called out to me to recognize it. She knew that I loved them and she made me feel special for it. Does that make sense? If she didn't encourage all her children to have specific likes and interests I wonder if we'd all be a bit less passionate about the things we love and care about. Anyway, I would go hunting for butterflies, caterpillars and cocoons. And I remember in the summers there would be Monarch migrations and thousands of Monarch butterflies would be everywhere. That is probably one of my most magical memories. That would bring me to what butterflies signify for me. They are of course beautiful. But they are all unique and different. They go through metamorphosis, first the egg, then the caterpillar, next the cocoon, and finally the butterfly. They are delicate yet strong.

It may sound strange but I compare (or try to) myself to a butterfly. Before you go think I am arrogant or whatev, here's why. A butterfly is beautiful, Not just it's physical appearance but everything about it is beautiful, at least to me. I have struggled my whole life with feeling beautiful, again not just physically but all around beautiful. I want to be a beautiful person, the way I act, the way I talk, the way I treat others and yes the way I am treated. I don't need to be told over and over again to believe it but I need to be treated as though I am beautiful that I am valued, that I am somehow special. To me butterflies are special. If something is special to you it deserves love. They are my personal love notes from God. When I see a butterfly I feel loved and close to God. I am delicate just like a butterfly. The wings of a butterfly are fragile. If they fray or are torn, they do not repair themselves. I am delicate, all woman are in our own ways. If you don't treat me right, with love, kindness, softness, and desire for me to fly again I will slowly die. I've been down that road and I don't want to do it again. It's painful! But I am strong enough to get through it. The "growth" process, if you will, the butterfly must go through is similar in my mind to the refiners fire. Through changes and difficult trials I will become beautiful, it doesn't happen over night, it takes time. I have to spend time in each stage, and that stage allows me to get a little bit closer to God and to feeling loved and beautiful. I have more confidence in myself more then ever, by that I think I mainly mean I know what I am worth, I know what I deserve and how I deserve to be treated. I am God's Beautiful Butterfly, Beautiful, Loved, Adored, Treasured and Sacred. I am worth fighting for.

kind of a downer post but I gotta get it out there

It's been a very emotional week. I will keep the reasons to myself but I want to reflect on all I have to be grateful for.

First of all my darling kiddos. They are a handful and many days I go to bed so exhausted and just thinking of getting up in the morning to do it all over again is more than I can handle. But they are my life. Everything I do is for them. They make me smile when all I want to do is cry, they are my reason for waking up, literally! I love you Marcy and Pickle!

Second, my work gals. Thank you, thank you for putting up with me this week. I know it's been hard on you and I am so sorry. I am lucky to have you!

Third, wonderful friends and family that call me or ask me how I am doing. I have gotten a lot of phone calls out of the blue just letting me know I was in thoughts and prayers. I am in isolation, that's my MO, but you still know I need you. Thank you for following through on your feelings that I need you. If I haven't answered or called you back, please know I am grateful for you and I am just trying to get through each day and just seeing your name/number on the caller ID is enough.

And finally, my Heavenly Father. I have spent many hours talking with God this week. Through this whole process I know that I have needed him but I have been lazy about keeping in close contact. I miss him and I need him, I need to know he is there when I feel like I can't go anywhere else. I need his peace. I have used his shoulder more than ever, it's soaked by now. He keeps me from running away and hiding. I know I can face things as long as he is by my side. I will get through this, I know I will but it will be hard. All I ask is for your continued love and acceptance and of course patience with me. I am not perfect, I have made so many mistakes that bring me pain, and I am working through it. I will be OK, I know I will.