Why did I choose a butterfly as my profile picture? It has deeper meaning than I am a girl and girls like butterflies. When I was a little girl I LOVED butterflies and my mom encouraged that. She bought me several books on butterflies, a butterfly catching kit, butterfly curtains and bedspread. It was way before butterfly jewelry became popular but I couldn't get enough. If it had a butterfly on it I wanted it. On a home video of our trip to South Africa when I was about 7 (?) my mom saw a butterfly and she called out to me to recognize it. She knew that I loved them and she made me feel special for it. Does that make sense? If she didn't encourage all her children to have specific likes and interests I wonder if we'd all be a bit less passionate about the things we love and care about. Anyway, I would go hunting for butterflies, caterpillars and cocoons. And I remember in the summers there would be Monarch migrations and thousands of Monarch butterflies would be everywhere. That is probably one of my most magical memories. That would bring me to what butterflies signify for me. They are of course beautiful. But they are all unique and different. They go through metamorphosis, first the egg, then the caterpillar, next the cocoon, and finally the butterfly. They are delicate yet strong.

It may sound strange but I compare (or try to) myself to a butterfly. Before you go think I am arrogant or whatev, here's why. A butterfly is beautiful, Not just it's physical appearance but everything about it is beautiful, at least to me. I have struggled my whole life with feeling beautiful, again not just physically but all around beautiful. I want to be a beautiful person, the way I act, the way I talk, the way I treat others and yes the way I am treated. I don't need to be told over and over again to believe it but I need to be treated as though I am beautiful that I am valued, that I am somehow special. To me butterflies are special. If something is special to you it deserves love. They are my personal love notes from God. When I see a butterfly I feel loved and close to God. I am delicate just like a butterfly. The wings of a butterfly are fragile. If they fray or are torn, they do not repair themselves. I am delicate, all woman are in our own ways. If you don't treat me right, with love, kindness, softness, and desire for me to fly again I will slowly die. I've been down that road and I don't want to do it again. It's painful! But I am strong enough to get through it. The "growth" process, if you will, the butterfly must go through is similar in my mind to the refiners fire. Through changes and difficult trials I will become beautiful, it doesn't happen over night, it takes time. I have to spend time in each stage, and that stage allows me to get a little bit closer to God and to feeling loved and beautiful. I have more confidence in myself more then ever, by that I think I mainly mean I know what I am worth, I know what I deserve and how I deserve to be treated. I am God's Beautiful Butterfly, Beautiful, Loved, Adored, Treasured and Sacred. I am worth fighting for.

kind of a downer post but I gotta get it out there

It's been a very emotional week. I will keep the reasons to myself but I want to reflect on all I have to be grateful for.

First of all my darling kiddos. They are a handful and many days I go to bed so exhausted and just thinking of getting up in the morning to do it all over again is more than I can handle. But they are my life. Everything I do is for them. They make me smile when all I want to do is cry, they are my reason for waking up, literally! I love you Marcy and Pickle!

Second, my work gals. Thank you, thank you for putting up with me this week. I know it's been hard on you and I am so sorry. I am lucky to have you!

Third, wonderful friends and family that call me or ask me how I am doing. I have gotten a lot of phone calls out of the blue just letting me know I was in thoughts and prayers. I am in isolation, that's my MO, but you still know I need you. Thank you for following through on your feelings that I need you. If I haven't answered or called you back, please know I am grateful for you and I am just trying to get through each day and just seeing your name/number on the caller ID is enough.

And finally, my Heavenly Father. I have spent many hours talking with God this week. Through this whole process I know that I have needed him but I have been lazy about keeping in close contact. I miss him and I need him, I need to know he is there when I feel like I can't go anywhere else. I need his peace. I have used his shoulder more than ever, it's soaked by now. He keeps me from running away and hiding. I know I can face things as long as he is by my side. I will get through this, I know I will but it will be hard. All I ask is for your continued love and acceptance and of course patience with me. I am not perfect, I have made so many mistakes that bring me pain, and I am working through it. I will be OK, I know I will.

Jump on or get off, you choose.

Let me tell you the purpose of this blog. I started it to vent, to be honest about my feelings and about life and to gain support. If you are here to help me in my quest I welcome you. If you here to "check up" on me "spy" on me and then "report" LEAVE! You are not welcome. I have enough drama and shit I don't need it, or you! Thank you kindly, have a great day all.

Oh, by the way, I am now legally a single mother. My divorce is final! Happy day!

Bawling like a baby...

As any normal day I got off work, picked up the kids at my wonderful friends house, took them over to their dad's. Marcy was a bit sad and didn't want me to leave but I thought it would all be okay after I was out of sight. Marcy was in the driveway, I waved good-bye and looked back to see my baby hysterical, screaming for me and chasing my car. IT BROKE MY HEART. My heart didn't break with my divorce/separation it was broken long before. So the most painful thing of all of this is my kids pain. I don't want them to hurt. I don't want them feel abandoned. And as I looked in my review mirror at Marcy screaming, I wasn't sure what to do and it took me back to my childhood.

My mom was a single mother of 6 kids, the oldest was only 9 when my baby sister was born. CRAZINESS, I recognize that. She also suffered from Lupus. Looking back I understand why she did some of the things she did. I love my mom very much, she was an amazing beautiful woman. I just want that said before I tell you this story. I was maybe 7 or 8 and my mom had had it with us kids. She said she was leaving and didn't know if she'd be back, at least that's how I remember it. She got in her car, I followed her, pounded on the windows and chased her screaming hysterically for her not to leave. It was a very traumatizing moment in my childhood, one I will never forget. The story did end well, my mommy came back. But I still carry wounds from that day.

So as I drove away from Marcy I didn't know what to do, turn around and love my child or drive away with that image in my mind forever. I am still not sure if it was a mistake or not but I drove away and began bawling like a baby. Not only at the heartbreak of my sweet tender hearted Marcy but at the recognition that I knew that pain and I felt like I failed. I never wanted my children to know the pain and disappointment I felt as a child but I can't help but think my decision is the cause of their pain? I couldn't stop crying, I am driving down the freeway to my cold lonely apartment bawling and wiping snot on my sleeve, thinking, "What have I done?" I don't regret my decision to get a divorce. I KNOW it was/is 100% the right choice for me and I knew there would be consequences for me and my kids. I only hope I am strong and healthy enough to help them get through it. My babies are my life and I will do anything I can to let them know I love them, that they are safe and they are enough, always enough as they are.

Reason to Celebrate

When I originally filed my divorce papers I was told by the Clerk that it would only take a few weeks from the time my soon-to-be-ex and I completed the mandatory Divorce and Parenting classes. A week or so ago I took in the certificates we received at the class to the court house and was told there is a un-waivable (possibly my own made up word) 90-day waiting period before my divorce could be finalized! WHAT?! I was really upset, I am ready to be done and move on with my life at this point, you're telling me I have to married to him for 2 more months? It's been a week and I've mellowed out on my frustration, just trying to make the best of it. Then today, while listening to my favorite local morning radio show, I hear a Family Law-man say there is a 90-day waiting period if you DO NOT have kids and NO waiting period if you DO have kids. Again, WHAT?! So I called the Judge who is over my case and asked his clerk if I have to wait or not. She happily informs me, THERE IS NO WAITING PERIOD!! She told me she would look over my case, give it to the Judge and asked me to call her back in a few days. I hung up the phone and let out a loud celebratory yell! It looks like I will be a free woman much sooner then I expected last week. All I have to say is a heartfelt, thanks you God. You are good!

Introduction

Hi my name is Kari, not Keri, but Kari. Think car, like a car you drive, and slap a big E on the back...Car-E. Got it?!

I am a normal girl, living life to the fullest with my two adorable children, who I will refer to as Pickle and Marcy. I will talk about them a lot. I am a single (almost, legally) working (2 jobs) mommy. My day is not successful unless I have laughed a good amount and my children go to bed knowing I love them for who they are. I am Mormon, however, I am taking a break. It's not God that I am taking a break from, I love him and try on a daily basis to have a relationship with him. I am however, taking a break from the cultural expectations of being a "Utah Mormon". I am done with guilt and shame. I have let it control and run my life for way too long. It's me and God, to Hell with others expectations.